Phase Whatever... I stopped counting.

Preface: I initially wrote this blog on November 16, 2017; 6 months ago! I didn’t publish it because I wasn’t ready to share this part of me yet. I periodically came back to my notes and continuously pondered on when would be the right time to post it, but each time that I reviewed it, I grew less and less interested in sharing it. Today I read it and smiled, because for some strange reason, I refuse to hold on to things that bother me. In the 6 months that I’ve been sitting on this post, I’ve had some life changing experiences that have shown me that my failure to appropriately process my feelings can literally make me loose my mind… Here’s the post; I hope you enjoy. 

Accountability 

I have always had the hardest time with expressing my feelings. I’ve also never realized until recently that I am extremely sensitive. When it comes to difficult situations involving people that I️ care about I always expect morality to take over. I anticipate people holding themselves accountable for their wrong doing, and when they don’t I get hurt. Instead of being honest with myself and simply acknowledging my butt hurt feelings, I️ moan and complain about what’s bothering me. Rather than letting go of who or what’s hurting me (and acknowledging that not everyone has the same moral compass that I do), I harp on how that person’s actions have affected me. I end up feeling defeated and attempting to “let it go”. Of course I️ fail at this, so the next step is me shutting down and not resolving the issue. 

Usually when this happens, some of the people in my life who care about me go into attack mode because they know I’ll continue to give too many chances, or keep putting myself in the other person’s shoes. 

For the first time, someone close to me challenged me to take an interpersonal issue to task. He pointed out my sensitivity and reminded me of more taxing times in my life when I spewed words of anger about someone that hurt me, rather than acknowledging my true feelings. He flat out told me to stop being the victim and take control of the situation. To be fair, he’s not the first person to encourage me in this way; but he’s the first person to show me how I’ve been hurting myself this entire time by being the victim. I realized in that moment, that I’ve been vigilant about holding myself accountable when I hurt others, but I haven’t been taking accountability for hurting myself. 

One of my best and worst qualities is my ability to forgive people. I forgive people when they take responsibility for their wrong doing and show remorse. Unfortunately, there are less people willing to take responsibility for their actions than normal. Don't be that person.